Things People Need to Stop Doing

I know it shouldn’t surprise me, but I do still find myself amazed at people doing things that, frankly, boggle my mind. The world could be a much better place if everyone would stop doing the following things:

Answering the Phone at Inappropriate Times

This applies mostly to a certain subset of cell-phone users. Time and time again, I have run across people who apparently feel that there is some sort of federal law requiring them to answer their phones every time they ring (that their phones have a “vibrate” or “off” setting is usually news to them). Every. Single. Damn. Time. And it’s not that they are expecting important calls. How do I know this? Because, almost to a person, they will look at the caller ID, see who’s calling, answer the phone, and say, “I can’t talk right now.” You know what else conveys that message? Not answering the damn phone! Good lord, people, that’s why we have voicemail! This almost always happens in the least appropriate spot. For example, I was once in the audience for a very interesting lecture, and some guy got a phone call in the middle of it. Which he answered, for the sole purpose of telling the caller he couldn’t talk right now. And, of course, the jackass didn’t even attempt to get up and leave the (relatively small) room or whisper or anything, just sat there, and took the call.

For the most part, people just aren’t getting phone calls that are that important. There are exceptions, of course. My wife is a surgeon. If she doesn’t answer her phone, someone might die. And even she leaves the room to take calls in our own home. (Granted, a lot of this might be explained by our noisy two-year-old, who also assumes that everyone who calls is one of his grandparents.) If you don’t literally have someone’s life riding on you answering a phone call, and you’re in a public place where you’re going to disturb someone by talking on your phone: (1) let it go to voicemail, or (2) leave the room before answering.

Excessive or Inappropriate “Selfies”

“Selfies” are pictures one takes of oneself with one’s cell-phone camera; they usually end up being posted to the internet. Now, I can understand maybe needing a picture for a profile on, say, Facebook or Twitter, and maybe posting that. But some people, often women, take tons of them, and then post them all over Facebook. The reason usually is something along the lines of, “hey, check out how awesome I look!”—a ploy for attention, in other words. A local radio show I like to listen to (Drew Lane and Marc Fellhauer’s show on 105.1 FM in Detroit) points out that what usually happens is that some sketchy contingent of that woman’s male Facebook friends then makes leering comments about them (they then took some calls from bummed-out husbands and boyfriends of said women). Yes. You’re so awesome and so interesting to look at that you have to resort to having pictures taken by… yourself. Right.

And, of course, as almost anyone can predict, people seem to like to take lots of naked pictures of themselves. I can’t imagine why anyone would do this, not because I’m all that prudish, but mostly because I have very bad luck, and figure that any such pictures of me would fall almost instantly into “the wrong hands.” The naked-picture-selfie has gone to the disturbing extreme of men liking to send pictures of their genitalia, often to unsuspecting women. Guys: stop doing this. No one needs to see it. Hell, I don’t even want to see my own junk, and it’s mine. No one else wants to see it, either. It’s kind of like a radio show: it can work quite well, and people can love it and what it does, without really needing to see it. I can’t think of a time a guy sending a “dick pic” to some woman has turned out well. Hell, it ended the political career of the ironically named former Congressman Anthony Weiner, who, of course, learned his lesson and never did it again.

Just kidding. Of course he kept doing it, even after being caught and being forced to resign in disgrace, and while attempting a political comeback while running for mayor of New York City. That’s a special kind of stupid right there. As someone who has the immature sense of humor of a fifteen-year-old, however, this has been a gold mine. For example, consider this actual headline from the (second!) Weiner scandal: “Women’s Groups Go on Attack Against Weiner.” Really? Come on, there has got to be a better way to say that. Of course, that was probably intentionally written by someone slyly trying to pull one over on us, with a sense of humor as immature as mine. I can only imagine the alternatives he or she may have considered: “Weiner Stands Firm in Response to Pressure from Women,” “Weiner Rigid in Facing Attention from Women’s Groups,” or “Weiner Withers from Anxiety of Public Exposure.”

But I digress. Speaking of pictures, ladies:

Duckface

Stop it. For those not aware of what I’m referring to, consider:

As the caption helpfully points out, you really don’t look anywhere near as hot as you think you do when you do this. (For a helpful illustration, click here.)

These are just a few things people do that drive people (or at least me, and in the end, I think we can all agree that my feelings are the paramount concern here) batty. Perhaps when my blood pressure comes down, I may post some more.

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About Geoff Brown

Husband, father, lawyer, writer, cat wrangler, dog warden, occasional video gamer.
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