Scenes From a Suburban Household

[SCENE — UPPER LEVEL OF A SUBURBAN HOUSE FATHER TRYING TO DRESS HIMSELF AND TWO YOUNG SONS MANAGES TO SHOWER AND GET DRESSED, AND GET ELDER SON TO DRESS HIMSELF, AND FINALLY, WITH MUCH STRUGGLING, DRESSES TWO-YEAR-OLD SON]

FATHER: Okay, guys, time for you to go get breakfast.

ELDER SON: Okay, Dad! I want donuts!

FATHER: Okay, go get a donut.

[ELDER SON DUTIFULLY EXITS SCENE DOWNSTAIRS TO GET DONUTS]

YOUNGER SON (crying): No!! Don’t want donuts!

[YOUNGER SON LIFTS HANDS INDICATING HE WANTS FATHER TO PICK HIM UP. FATHER PICKS UP YOUNGER SON, PLUS AN ARMFUL OF OTHER IMPLEMENTS.]

F [TO DOGS]: Okay, dogs, time to go downstairs!

[PAN TO TWO DOGS: THE ELDER ONE A FRIENDLY BUT ENTIRELY UNINTELLIGENT YELLOW LAB, THE YOUNGER ONE A FRIENDLY AND SLIGHTLY LESS UNINTELLIGENT BLACK LAB MIX. AT THE WORD “GO,” THE DOGS THUNDER DOWN THE STAIRS MAKING SLIGHTLY MORE NOISE THAN A HERD OF ELEPHANTS ON METHAMPHETAMINE.]

​F: Okay, Eat your breakfast. I’m going to let the dogs out.

ES: [DUTIFULLY EATS DONUTS, FOR SOME REASON COOPERATING FULLY WITH ALL REQUESTS]​

YS: [CRYING ABOUT SOME REAL OR IMAGINED INFRACTION COMMITTED BY THE DOGS]

​[FATHER LETS THE DOGS OUT TO THE SUNROOM SERVING AS THE DOGS’ ROOM. HE CONNECTS THE YOUNGER BLACK DOG TO THE TETHER AND LETS HER OUTSIDE. HE GOES BACK INSIDE TO HERD THE CHILDREN INTO FINISHING BREAKFAST, AND INTO THE CAR. THEN IT’S OFF TO SCHOOL.]

[END SCENE]

I know what you’re thinking: “he obviously left a bunch of stuff out, especially with respect to all the stuff you have to do for dogs.” ​Not so fast. Cue the next scene:

[FADE IN TO FATHER IN A PLACE THAT IS NOT THE SUBURBAN HOME]

FATHER: (startled, to himself) SHIT! THE DOGS!!

[CUT TO A VERY SUBURBAN SUV PULLING INTO A GARAGE, AND OVER A FENCE WE SEE A SMALL BLACK LAB MIX WHO HAS SPENT ALL MORNING HANGING OUT IN THE BACK YARD, CALM BUT HUNGRY. INSIDE, THE YELLOW LAB, WHO IS ALWAYS VERY HUNGRY, IS DELIRIOUS. FATHER LETS BLACK DOG IN, YELLOW DOG OUT, AND SHEEPISHLY FEEDS BOTH]

[END SCENE]

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About Geoff Brown

Husband, father, lawyer, writer, cat wrangler, dog warden, occasional video gamer.
This entry was posted in Humor, Random Musings and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

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